What drives a man crazy?

As a Young boy he was told by his dad, that's not my boy. At a young age he was molested. While neighbors perverted his mind. That's why we were so concerned about the boys not being exposed to that stuff. We protected them. For ppl that thought they knew him, they didn't. You can't speak about a man that you didn't know. I know David had mental issues, that haunted his mind all the time and God blessed me with the patience to deal with him and these issues. I loved David not because he is the father of my children, but because he was my best friend. We were a team. But things change, he would tell me I could do better, he didn't want me, he wished I'd leave, I was just like my mom, I was sorry, accused me of cheating. None of which are true. I loved David, gave him my best. Yes maybe I was funny about drinking and smoking, but I just didn't want my boys exposed to that life style. But David saw different. Some of the best ppl are those that smoke and drink.

David died this morning.

Sad times for the boys, David was so drugged up that he barely knew what was going on.

It's a bad time, but the boys seen to be doing good

Today is Friday, October 27. We went to see David today. He was in good spirits. I helped the nurse get him to the bath room. CNA even wipe his feet off after he stepped in pee. That was sorry.

Thomas, meds and me

Thomas started the medication last week. He was so happy, but now it has set in he is going back to being depressed, can't remember things and irritated. Going in the morning to see the Dr about upping the meds

Car wreck

It's been over a year since the accident August 6th 2016. I went in to see the chiropractor because of my neck and my knee now I hurt all over both my legs the backs of my knees hurt but the last time I went to see dr. Bolton was today September 29th 2017 my right leg has stopped hurting I just wish I could get back straight again I don't know what went wrong with me I get better and then I get worse I get better and then it get worse

Withdrawals

9-29 -2017 I spoke to Benjamin last night. He is having withdrawals from pot. I guess that's his way I'm dealing with what's going on pot helps and cope. I wish it was not like that. He says his dad doesn't act right. He's upset because Brenda and Bobby took the gun and their dad had promised them all these years. I don't know what to do.

I've been keeping busy

I've been busy around the house. Cutting the bushes back, washing clothes, folding clothes.
Wondering how I can I keep up everything...... Asking the boys what they want to do, where they want to live. I don't have much, and I'm putting what I got on the line for my boys.

Violet, Judy, Bridget and Drew

All these family members made me feel like they don't blame me. I still feel everyone hates me for doing what I needed to do.

Depression, bipolar, and struggles

Got to get the boys up and going. They are going to see their dad this Sunday morning. Everyone acts strange towards me.  They just don't know.  I was told it was my fault too.  But the fact is, My problem was I wasn't going to let him keep mentally and physically abusing me anymore.  Yes I feel bad about what is happening, I'm not heart less. I tried to tell him

I'm the outsider

I sit out side the funeral home watching everyone go in. Ppl I have known for years. No one hello, kiss my ass or nothing. I feel so alone. I hate the day I moved here, I can't say I hate the day I married David. Because I would not have my boys if I didn't marry him. I love my boys so much. David's poisoned everything and I got the blame. No one knows about his dark side. The side that runs everyone down.

I'm to keep quite

They changed David's meds, so he is realizing more and more that he's in there. It's sad, I don't need to be up there.

David's girlfriend don't want me there

I went up to the rest home last night. I offered to stay if she needed me. Tried to get Thomas to stay, and Robin got mad, said something to Judy Ken's sister, she was angry and called me to the side. Fussed at me, saying you know you are divorced and don't need to stay with David. Thomas didn't want to stay. He is taking this bad.

David's farewell

So hurt, feeling like I have moved into the confusing twilight zone. David is at Kitty Atkins Nannie is right beside him in the next room. I'm staying at the house in Marmac. I've been cleaning all day. Washing clothes, morning grass, fixing the steps on the porch. Trying to stay busy.

Recipes

https://www.pillsbury.com/recipes?gclid=CjwKEAjws-LKBRDCk9v6_cnBgjISJAADkzXeH1B97rEB0Pw_yR0HRSqrM4-eH_am91Fw_w8pdULqUBoC8azw_wcB&dclid=CLSX7MPw6tQCFYS0swodOwsMww

About my eyes

Seeing double

Well every since my accident I've been seeing double. 3 cranial nerve palsey, it really bothers me. I get dizzy, I see fine when I lift my head, or lower my head, but holding my head straight....I see double. The is also traveling pain in my left leg. My knees bother me. It's just so upsetting

People

I see come I see them go Some I  remember some I don't even know. Like ships passing in the night

I Saw Fran today

Lord, I'm going to miss her. She is one beautiful soul. My heart aches

Red the pit bull

Thomas wanted a dog, some are happy about it. Others are not too happy and really I'm not that happy because I know I'm going to be caring to the dog.

Doing school work

A lot on my mind.

There is a lot going on. Fran is dying, Thomas got a dog. I need to get a job. So scared.