Went to see Thomas

I went to see Thomas this morning and he was sleeping and couldn't even open his eyes hardly I went back about 2:30 in the afternoon he was still sleeping couldn't even hold his eyes open I told the nurse you know when is the best time for me to come back and he was awake and he smarted off at me and anyway he finally got Thomas to say something Thomas told me you love me you told me not to worry and I was happy with that at least i did get a response

Thomas' condition is documented

Thomas is in wil Med in the holding unit of the behavioral mental behavioral place and I have told the RN LaShun several times Thomas is high-functioning autistic they're going to send him to Cherry or somewhere. I'm hoping that the psychiatrist we'll see that Thomas has high functioning autism he's been diagnosed in Goldsboro he's got all the symptoms. why in the world these people can't see what's going on with him.

Thomas committed 7-28-16

Yesterday evening or afternoon when I got back from school Thomas started up wanting a cigarette I had already spent $13 on the mark ten vapor. I told him no I meant no he got mad he told me I better take him I better by him. I told him this is my house my rules my money and I say no. So he wanted to go to the hospital and commit his self he said he was going to kill herself and that's what we did. And they ended up keeping him. So I'm going to leave him in there and see what happens. I cannot continue to give them money for pot and give them money for cigarettes or buy them cigarettes. Whether or not their dad does it, it's on him not me. Thomas told me David was the one that got them on the pot he probably got them on the cigarettes too. Is as hard as it is for me to accept none of this is my fault except for enabling them turning a blind eye to what they were doing and allowing them to make the money to do it with. But I've had enough no more no more playing me for a dumbass or stupid.

All about Benjamin

We just had a family session with Grace and Old Vineyard in Winston-Salem where Benjamin is for substance abuse. I'm not sure but I really wish and hope for the best for Benjamin and I hope that it was not all an act I don't think David is going to keep his drugs away from Benjamin. David is a drug addict, he's addicted he's been addicted ever since we were married so lord it's in your hands I have on nothing I can contribute but that we are getting completely straight and I'm not playing the handicap card.

I didn't start this misery, loves company

Thomas had always told me it was Chelsea they got him started on the pot. Him and Benjamin, and I believe they were protecting someone someone dear to him, his dad. I found out after everything that had gone on in this house with the fighting and the cutting and the broken hearts that his dad David Grady was the cause of all of it. He started them on the pot probably, the cigarettes too and the alcohol....... see at one time we were against all this stuff. I was in a cycle, a cycle of abuse a cycle of having him abused himself right in front of us trying to protect my children scared to say anything. Im guilty of being scared.

A call from rehab

Benjamin is supposed to call today and this counselor is a three way call David is going to be on the other end and then me I don't know exactly what's going to go on I'm scared to death that I'm as usual going to get blamed for everything put on I really didn't have a choice they came here addicted and I'm not one for confrontation and they know they know that I know I try to avoid it and I guess I did turn a Blind Eye Blind Eye to what was going on in order to just keep peace and I feel so guilty for it so I don't know what's going to happen I don't do nothing I don't do drugs I don't smoke pot I left all that stuff alone I just want my son back I want him to live a straight life where he's not dependent on chemicals to be able to maintain I love you Benjamin

Im scared to death

My mind is making it out to be bigger than what it is I know God's in control and I need to put my trust in him David is a sociopath he's messed up what father yes his sons drugs like a friend told me misery likes company and that's why he did it misery likes company

Well I called

Well I called I don't know what's going to happen I know I'm going to be judged all I care about the Benjamin and his well-being I should have done this a long time ago Jim told me everybody told me I should have done this a long time ago and I didn't and now look at this mess David really is unfit

Lord Help Me!

I am so lost for words. I love Benjamin so much and David is turning him against me. Lord..... I don't know what to do. Help me.

It Hit The Fan

Friday night I stayed with Jim because we had to get up early to go to Greensboro with foosball tournament. Meanwhile the boys or at the house I didn't know it but they had gotten in a fight that night the next day they got in a fight again Benjamin Locke Thomas on the back porch Thomas got mad busted the window out on the door coming into the kitchen and cut a big gash in his arm. About 2:30 Saturday afternoon Benjamin called me told me that Thomas has severed his own and they called EMS. Jim and I left the tournament and came on back. Meanwhile velvet was called she came by to pick Benjamin up and they both went to the ER. Jim and I got back into Wilson about 4:30. I rode on to the emergency room it was with the boys.
That's not the end of it that's just the beginning Thomas had 10 Staples put in his arm is muscle fat tissues were showing they had to take him back in and so is on backup. On the way home Benjamin is complaining and fussing and wanting cigarettes mad because he couldn't get pot Thomas is in the backseat and pain. As we stopped at the stoplight at the corner of Forest Hills and Ward Boulevard Thomas gets out of the car and starts walking. I talked him into getting back in the car at the grocery door. Benjamin Steel saying things I can't exactly remember what but Thomas is getting aggravated. I get 2 packs of cigarettes and we had hung ass were going down the road Benjamin saying things that's aggravating Thomas such things as we live in a piece of shit the house is falling apart my dad sorry for letting us live here or giving us this house all these things or things that David has said that I have heard him say in the past about my dad in this house Benjamin's repeating everything he's heard and Thomas is getting upset. I'm pulling in the driveway Benjamin Steel saying negative mean hateful things and Thomas gets out the car reaches in and punches Benjamin in the face which I will say is wrong but Benjamin and pushed him and pushed him and pushed him. Benjamin gets out the car and the two of them go at it just like two grown men in a cage match they're throwing each other around they're hitting each other and I can't stop it I'm screaming and yelling I'm crying usually when I cry they'll stop they don't want to see me upset but it didn't stop this time they kept on and um Thomas through Benjamin off the porch I thought that the metal posted going through Benjamin's back all of my plants and Planters have been thrown off the porch. I called dispatch to the police and she keeps asking me questions and I tell her my address I'll tell her what's going on I tell her I just need help my boys are fighting I just need help so I tell her forget it I'll handle it myself. About 15 minutes later the police show up too young policeman real nice. They asked me if I wanted to press charges I said no, they ask Thomas if you want to press charges he said no, they ask Benjamin if he wanted to press charges against Thomas being he was a man and he said yes. Upon hearing that I told him if Benjamin presses charges against Thomas I'll press charges against him. The police asked Benjamin if he wanted help..... He said yes.
Being taken to the hospital and put in a room Benjamin. I waited to get stitched up from where he threw a piece of an axe handle and pop the hole in my jaw now my jaw is about the size of a big old golf ball. David shows up, acting like he is all that. He is the one that have been the xanax. He's the one who got them started on pot. I believe he was trying to get been to kill him self. I do believe this.
Benjamin Head large traces of Xanax and marijuana in his system David came in my room and tried to place the blame on me saying when he came to my house it smelt like marijuana fact is he came to my house to pick up his marijuana and to give the boys Xanax, bottles of xanax. 

Thomas and his contraption

Meanwhile, lol..... we are cleaning the back. Thomas has tied rope from one side of the years to the next. Should I get mad or just let him express himself?

~Cleo~

93 and so tired........waiting on Stan💗

Wasting time

It was nice....boy did I fall hard. But I'm slowly learning, I am wasting time. My time, and your time....... I won't ever get over you. But I will slowly forget the hurt. Will I ever learn.......will I ever really grow up. Only wasted time will tell. Only when you lost that which you love......do you realize what you had.   Signed.......me

Reverting back in my mind

They think I'm stupid! I know what the deal is........ I guess I do play dumb and wait for the opportunity to tell myself, see you were right again.  I've tried not to hate him but I do. Lord forgive me.....because I know its not right to hate. But he was suppose to lookout for me, protect me, give me the feeling of security. And there were times that I enjoyed our time together. But I went through hell too. Ppl just don't know what I dealt with. Never did anything right. Just wasn't good enough. But the fault is not with me....I did what I could do.....anyone that knows me will say I give by best in all I do. Now my best might not be perfect. But it's my best.

Not knowing is a problem.......

Do you want me to share my life with you? Do you want to share your life with me? No, I'm not perfect. But I will make it work.....just don't fuss at me. And believe me when I say I didn't mean to. If I meant to do it.....the outcome would be much worse and I'd own up to it. Oh, by the way. I'm a mom first.......most moms understand this. And while I'm on the subject of children......I will love and be there for yours also if they needed me to. And no, I'm not selling my self.......see, I either like you or I don't. But I can't be bought. Signed........me

7- 11-2016

Glad to be here alone in bed....Alone.... So tired

Over load..... To much to do

Just so much to keep up with and then do my own stuff. Cleo is not the problem........its everything else. I'm so mentally washed.     I forgot Thomas' appt with Twanna Adams.  I hate I missed that appointment.

Today~7-5-2016

Kinda don't know what's going on.....just playing it by ear.